Cultural Adjustment
Moving to another place can be really invigorating, but difficulties can also arise. Living in another country can be exciting, it can be challenging, it can be really hard, and it can be an amazing opportunity for personal growth. This experience may challenge your identity and your relationship with yourself and your culture of origin. It’s an opportunity for understanding yourself better, as well as grappling with your identity and how your culture impacts your identity.
Cultural adjustment doesn’t just occur when moving to another country, but can also happen when moving from one region of your own country to another. In the United States, for example, there are distinct cultural differences between the East Coast and the West Coast, New England and the South, etc. On this page, I’m going to talk about some experiences you may encounter.
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When people can tell you’re not a local, they have a tendency to lump you in with others that they perceive to be like you. Sometimes this comes with prejudice or assigning you to a culture that is not your own. You may experience being tokenized - thrown into the spotlight due to your culture.
It can also come in the form of overcompensation. You might do something that’s just you in your style and not characteristic of your home culture. Abroad your identity gets collapsed into your country of origin and locals might assume all people from your home culture are like you.
This can lead to feeling like your personality isn’t truly seen. You might experience feeling pressure like you’re the poster child for your culture. Having connections to people who understand this effect can be a lifeline. This is one of the things I bring to my therapy sessions.
You can simultaneously not like certain things about your country of origin and miss things about it whilst also not liking certain things about the country in which you are currently living - and - want to be there.
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The most obvious challenge of living in a different country is probably the potential language barrier. It’s not always practical for you to learn a language before arriving in a new country. You need to be able to exist and function at the level of language acquisition that you currently have. This might even be word salad.
Even for those relatively (or totally) fluent in the local language, you’ll still face challenges. There will be vocabulary and idiomatic expressions you’re unfamiliar with on a regular basis.
Daily life communication in a new language is frustrating! It’s helpful to have a therapist who understands your struggle and can help bridge the gap.
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I coined a phrase that I call “perceived sameness” when living in a country in which your same language is used, but in which you’re not from.
I coined the term Perceived Sameness through my living abroad. It’s about the unseen differences. When you speak the same language and you generally look like a local, people expect that you know cultural things that you don’t know.
For example, going to a comedy club you might understand all the words, but none of the jokes because the jokes are culturally embedded. While a comedy club is a mild problem, these situations can permeate all aspects of daily life.
The people you interact with don’t expect there to be a difference. So, they may not understand, and you’ll have to clarify. While this can be amusing at first, as time goes on, this constant clarification can take a lot of energy.
You might be having difficulties with some of the aspects of the country you’re living in. Yes, you’re choosing to live there, but there are things you don’t like. When you’re going through these experiences that the people you’re around aren’t going through, it can be hard for them to connect with you because they have no familiarity with what you’re going through. Therapy is a place to express these dislikes without the fear of insulting the culture where you are living.
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Sometimes described as reverse culture shock, upon returning to your culture of origin you might have an experience of others not being able to relate to your experiences. They might not have a lot of interest in your stories. Or they may take you talking about your experiences like you are bragging about having lived in another country.
For you, you had profoundly life-changing experiences abroad. But this is intangible to others. This may feel like a loss of identity.
Even just making the decision to move back can be really hard. While there are a lot of different reasons people return to their country of origin, the people you’re leaving might dismiss it as you’re just “going home.” Your sadness at giving up your life abroad may be overlooked. The decision to move back can come with a tremendous sense of loss.
This can be further heightened if you decided to renounce your citizenship to become naturalized in a new country. This means when you visit or if you later decide to move back to your home country, you are considered a foreigner. This may leave you feeling lost, uprooted, and like you have no home to go to anymore.
As your therapist, I hold a space for you to be able to talk about all the complexities, mixed emotions, pragmatic decisions, feelings of loss, disconnection, and ongoing dilemmas. Due to my lived experience, I get it and I can be in it with you.
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A cross-cultural relationship is one where two people come from different cultures. Today, there is a degree to which many relationships are cross-cultural with people coming together from different backgrounds and environments. This is even more pronounced when people grew up in different countries.
Even if you connect with shared politics, life goals, and religion, there are so many aspects of a culture that are embedded and invisible to those raised within the culture. Tension with these invisible aspects of culture can cause cracks in the relationship to start to show. It can be very difficult to navigate.
Whereas couples living in neither partner’s culture of origin may find it strengthens their relationship as they’re navigating mutual challenges, those who are in one partner’s culture of origin might find an imbalance in the experience of that culture.
If your partner is in your culture of origin, they might be struggling with aspects of the culture and may seem unhappy. This might be hard for you to understand and you might not know what to do for the relationship. You need help to navigate this.
If you are in your partner’s country of origin, you might not have a social network of your own. You’re also immersed in a less familiar culture. These external experiences can be compounded by cultural misunderstandings between the two partners. Your partner might not see the differences that you are experiencing and processing. This can cause a feeling of disconnection within the relationship.
Cultural differences are even an issue when both partners speak the same language of origin. There may be less support for both of you within the relationship because those around you don’t understand the impact of culture.
I understand what you’re experiencing. While couples counseling has its place, it’s also important to have space for yourself. You deserve support and it’s important to the health of your relationship and to yourself that you get that. You need a safe place to explore what you’re feeling and process what’s going on for you.
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If you’re pursuing citizenship, that comes with plenty of challenges. Before making that decision, it’s important to have clarity about what you’re giving up and what you’re expecting about your new country. You may be seeking new citizenship due to work or due to a relationship. Depending on your context for naturalizing there are things to explore about how this affects your identity, hopes, dreams, goals, and also the losses that come with this change.
If you’re considering naturalizing, you’re likely living in the country where you’re seeking citizenship. Most other people around you are citizens of that country. Understandably, they probably don’t know the process of obtaining citizenship. You may experience projections or assumptions from others about what they imagine you’re feeling. They might not seek to understand what you’re going through.
Sometimes you have to give up your original citizenship in order to naturalize. It’s important to have a place where you can be seen and explore all of the implications for your life. Therapy is a safe place to do this kind of work.
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For those who had to leave their country of origin for the sake of safety, security, or other basic needs, there is a unique type of stress or conflicted feelings. While experiencing feelings of gratitude for your receiving country, you may also still prefer to return to your country of origin. You may be in an intermediate place where you want to go home or go elsewhere. Will my home still be there? Will my country still be there?
Fleeing a place, leaving behind your family and friends is traumatic no matter your circumstances. When fleeing, you grasp at the straws that you can. You may leverage family connections to get to a safe new country. Even if you have a safe place to land, you may still not be happy there. That is OK.
The image of the US internationally can have significant differences from the reality of the lived experience here. You’re grateful to be here, but, oh my gosh, it might not all be what you expected it to be, and some aspects might be worse for you than what you fled. That’s surprising and shocking, and there’s no one to talk to about it. You’re supposed to be grateful to the people in your new land. And the people back home are still stuck in a bad situation. And there’s no one to bridge the gap of your reality.
I have experience outside the US which affords me greater objectivity. I’m able to ask the right questions.
We’ll talk about what you loved about your home country and what your life was like there. We can talk about who was left behind and who you are with now. We can also talk about what is missing for you in the receiving country. We might explore what you were hoping your life to be. We’ll process this trauma, integrating the old and the new. We’ll navigate one foot in the past, one in the present, and what you want for your future given the unknowns.
Melanie’s Lived Experience
Having both lived, worked, and also traveled around the world, I have a lens of what it means to live in a country different to your country of origin - and - to return to your country of origin. It can be exciting, but it can also be isolating.
I’ve experienced that honeymoon phase where you want to be immersed in the new place and soak it all up like a sponge. Everything is magical. Yet the honeymoon does pass.
Living someplace is different than just traveling there. You find you can’t do things with the same ease as your country of origin. I remember once while living in Japan, I was so proud of myself for ordering a pizza over the phone in Japanese. But when it arrived, I was horrified to discover it came with a layer of mayonnaise on top. While I now understand this is a popular topping in Japan, I did not eat that pizza. And I learned how to say “no mayonnaise” in Japanese. For Japanese people living in the US, you might have to learn that you have to say “add mayonnaise” for your pizza orders and how to deal with people not understanding that request.
Even if you’re in a country where your native language is spoken, there can still be cultural differences that have to be navigated. I had this experience time and again living in the UK. Before going there I knew many aspects of British English, for example, queue meant line, lift meant elevator, pavement meant sidewalk, bonnet meant the hood of the car, etc. Yet when I’d do my food shopping, I’d find myself having challenges with the simplest things, like laundry detergent and crackers. In the laundry detergent aisle, there were “biological” and “non-biological” laundry detergents. I did not know what this meant. And when trying to find crackers, I had to learn these are actually called savory biscuits and they’re found in the same aisle as cookies. While this translation game can be fun, it adds time to your daily tasks, and these many minor inconveniences add up.
Not all of these translation games are frivolous. When I was living in Iraq, I was familiar with the cultural clothing expectations of women. But even with the best intentions and knowledge of the culture, I made an inadvertent mistake. I was walking home from work wearing a long heavy skirt that went to the top of my feet, with tall army boots, a long-sleeved loose-fitting shirt, and a scarf covering my hair. Yet strangers in the street were catcalling me. I was dumbfounded, I could not figure out why because I thought I was doing everything right. I discovered upon close examination at home, that the skirt had a slit where an inch of my skin was showing above my boot. I was mortified because I cared, and I had tried so hard to meet the cultural norms. That care and trying was not communicated. In situations like this, you’re left being misunderstood and misperceived. Sometimes it can be even more impactful than this story.
Trying to share your daily life with people who are not living where you’re living can leave you with feelings of disconnection. Friends back home are perceiving your stories through the lens of their culture. They might call things “weird” or be judgemental about different cultural norms when you don’t feel that way.
If it feels like there is no one to talk to about it or no one to connect with about these experiences, I can help. I’m here for the small things and the big things.
I chose to find a way to live and work as a solo female in the Far East, the Middle East, and the UK for over a third of my adult life. I have provided counseling to clients from over 19 different countries - from varying socio-economic, academic/entrepreneurial, ethnic, racial, religious, and non-religious backgrounds. This included a volunteer role at Tokyo English Lifeline where I supported English-speaking ex-pats in their adjustment to living in Japan, and supported Japanese people returning from living in English-speaking countries. Furthermore, my first Master’s degree was in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL). This included studies in the process of assimilation, acculturation, culture shock, and reverse culture shock. To read more about my training and background, check out my About Melanie page.
